"I am reading zero pages," of the report, said President Trump, portrayed by Alec Baldwin.
Special counsel Robert Mueller's report on Russian influence in the 2016 presidential election provided "Saturday Night Live" with plenty of material for its first cold open since it took a two-week spring break.
Robert De Niro returned to perform as Mueller. He gave notice to Attorney General William Barr, played by Aidy Bryant, that the almost 400-page report was completed and headed his way.
Barr responded that, for public consumption, "I am writing almost four pages." President Trump, played by Alec Baldwin, said, "I am reading zero pages."
A sober Mueller said that his investigation did not appear to show that Trump or his campaign colluded with Russia to influence the election in the president's favor: "We cannot prove a criminal connection."
Barr responded, "No collusion, no diggity, no doubt."
After being urged to put the investigation behind him, Trump said, "This is the only thing I will talk about for the next four years. Vengeance will be mine."
A subsequent sketch stuck to the Mueller theme, with repertory player Beck Bennett portraying Vladimir Putin whose advisers were disappointed that a collusive link between Trump and Russia wasn't found by the special counsel.
"In Mueller report they say President Trump has done no collusion with Russia," complained an adviser played by Cecily Strong.
The realization that the Russian president does not control the American leader appeared to be a real let down. "I was planning a party" to celebrate the report, said one military adviser.
"I can't figure this guy out," Putin said of Trump, "he's in my head."
Putin was visited by North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-Un, and a translator played by the night's host, Sandra Oh.
The Russian leader said he still has social media trolls and that "the real action" is found in the U.S. Attorney in New York's investigation into Trump's alleged hush money payments to purported sex partners.
Oh said, "Glorious leader says you sound like Rachel Maddow right now."
News segment "Weekend Update" returned to the Mueller report as Fox News personality Jeanine Pirro, played by Strong, joined the fray with her telltale voice.
"Mama's got one volume and it's three chardonnays deep at a crowded party," she said.
Though Mueller's report hasn't been released, and Barr's summary is only four pages long, Pirro said, "The report concludes that the president is 35 years old and 175 pounds...He's got the rugged good looks of Bradley Cooper."
Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival headliner Tame Impala was the musical guest.