The inappropriate toys that might ruin Christmas

Boing Boing have released a toy version of Hellraiser's Lament Configuration
Boing Boing have released a toy version of Hellraiser's Lament Configuration Copyright Willstar - Boing Boing
By David Mouriquand
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From Hellraiser puzzleboxes to vibrating E.T. fingers and sexualised cuddly toys, there are the toys you might want to stay from this Christmas...


Christmas is just a week away and it’s during this silly season that everyone desperately scrambles to find the perfect presents for their loved ones.

But will your desperation lead you to buying an inappropriate toy for the munchkins in your life?

In an either unbelievably brilliant or deeply sinister move, the folks at Boing Boing have released toy replicas of the Lament Configuration from the Hellraiser films.

For those who aren't au fait with this terror-inducing element or the horror franchise from Clive Barker, the Lament Configuration is a cubic puzzle box that unleashes the extradimensional Cenobites. 

Think of what the sadistic population of Hades might look like and you’re halfway there.

Take a look:

New World Pictures
Hellraiser's Cenobites, with Pinhead (center) holding the Lament ConfigurationNew World Pictures

Hardly ambassadors for Christmas cheer, are they? 

Now, American multinational retail corporation Walmart are publicizing the new toy as a "brain game":

Kids! Kids! A new brain game...Walmart

Haven’t we suffered enough this year without tempting fate? Do we need a cherubic child reaching a schism in time and space, thereby summoning Pinhead and his mutilated crew from the depths of fetishistic hell??

That said, the impressively detailed and distressingly faithful replica of the puzzle box is a wonderful way to introduce young’uns to feats of engineering… and the importance of sacrifice, as the only way to get rid of the Cenobites is by sacrificing five human lives.

As potentially hazardous as the Lament Configuration is, it’s not much worse than some other inappropriate – read: seriously messed up – toys out there.

For instance…

Shaving baby

You Can Shave The BabyImgur

It’s not immediately clear why one would need to shave a baby… Unless it’s a werewolf-human hybrid…

For the future firestarter in your life….

My First FireKindex

Contains 8 oz. fuel can… Yes, this will end well. 

Phone home?

E.T. Finger LightKnickerbocker

E.T.’s finger can heal wounds in the beloved cinematic classic… However, some of our eagle-eyed readers probably saw the resemblance between this battery-included E.T. Finger Light and a… perfectly innocent and not at all sexual toy.

Ball-gagged bear anyone?

Your new favourite plush toyImgur

As if Balenciaga didn’t get into enough trouble this year

Baby’s First Baby

Huffington Post
Baby's First BabyHuffington Post

There’s plenty to be said about problematic pregnancy themed toys, but this is a baby who is actually having a baby, with “real pregnancy action” and a foetus attached. What were they thinking?

Squirting Barbie

Squirting BarbieMatel

What Barbie gets up to in her own time is none of our business.


To infinity… AND BEYOND

Buzz Lightyear sippy cupImgur

Who thought that straw placement was a good idea?

Straitjacket for kids

Control Toys - StraightjacketImgur

This last one could actually be quite tempting…

Happy shopping all and buy responsibly.

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