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How to survive the heatwave without completely humiliating yourself

How to survive the heatwave without completely humiliating yourself

Yet another heatwave is approaching. Temperatures across Europe are set to reach their peak on Thursday, potentially hitting 33°C in Berlin, 36°C in London and 42°C in Paris.

Despite this heralding the second spate of high temperatures within a month, people are pretty much guaranteed to lose their minds as the mercury soars. Perhaps it's delirium, but high temperatures are known to bring out some odd behaviour.

So, here's our guide to getting through the worst of it, without bringing shame upon yourself, your friends or your family.

Do not be either of these people.

This move is understandable. The temptation to bellyflop into nearby bodies of water is overwhelming in these heats. And if you do spot someone indulging that impulse, the irritation at them for caving while you're still sweltering could hit fast.

Here's the thing though. Don't dip your feet into that pond, dunk your face in that puddle or slip into the silky waters of that 150-year-old fountain for a soak. Nobody wants to see it. You're a human, not a lizard, and as such you're able to regulate your own body temperature without sinking to such depths.

If you do happen to spot someone frolicking in your local park's water feature though, turn a blind eye. They will get their comeuppance, perhaps in the form of a verruca.

Try being this person.

Get your liquid fix with a cold drink, and a body of water designed to have bodies in it. Ideally live bodies. Stay safe out there, guys.

Do not be this person.

Yes, grey is a wonderful colour on almost everyone. And grey tracksuits and t-shirts have become known as an aphrodisiac to rival oysters.

But when the smoggy haze of summer descends and the humidity rises, grey turns from universally flattering to no one's friend. The smallest drop of sweat will show up fast and show up dark.

Unless you've botoxed your sweat glands into paralysis, it would be wise to steer clear of lighter shades of grey to avoid this unfortunate situation.

Be this person.

Yes, she may be peering down at the sweat pooling around her ankles, but the good news is you can't see the sweat patches. 'All black everything' remains a great mantra to live by in summer.

Never, ever be this person.

The facts are these: people do horrendous things on public transport.

In hot weather, it's best to avoid it altogether. With the distinct lack of oxygen and odour of week-old sardines trapped hundreds of feet below ground, it's not entirely surprising when reasonable people begin to act strangely.

Hire a bike instead. I hear the city is lovely at this time of year.

This is not what hiring a bike means. Please, please don't be this person.

This is a cry for help. And, frankly, unsafe for both you and other road users.

No matter how much you enjoy a breeze down there, I implore you to be satisfied with a simple breeze in your hair.

Try this.

When work refuses to believe you've conveniently fallen ill during the nice weather, accept your fate. And bring a towel.

Don't be this person.

Chub rub is truly terrible. You fancied wearing a summer dress. The upshot is chafed, red thighs which you will be forced to glaze in liberal amounts of aloe vera gel to soothe the burn.

If that wasn't bad enough, get ready to walk with legs wide apart for the next 5-7 days while you're haunted by the memory of what summer clothing did to you.

Instead, try being this person.

Cycle shorts, garters, lube, talcum powder. These are all significantly better than the chafed alternative.

Sure, forcing yourself into an extra layer on a hot day may not be an appetising idea, but think of the Spanx-like benefits of cycle shorts. Might it get musty down there? Absolutely.

Believe me, it's still better than spreading Sudocrem on your inner thighs like cream cheese on a bagel.