Any publicity is good publicity... Even if it gives you nightmares. What happens when tie-in movie merchandising goes wrong?
ADVERTISEMENTDelayed due to last year’s Hollywood strikes, the long-awaited Dune: Part 2 is coming... And it’s going viral at the moment for all the NSFW reasons, as some tie-in merchandise has been unveiled.
Indeed, our retinas have been treated to an exclusive popcorn bucket celebrating Dennis Villeneuve’s eagerly anticipated sequel.
Fans will be able to eat popcorn out of an Arrakis sandworm. They’ll have to stick their hands inside the mouth, past its sharp teeth, to eventually get to their snack, before making a second trip via the dentures – hopefully unscathed.
Sounds wildly unpractical, but wait - there’s more...
Look at it for yourself:
Yep. Dune tells us that fear the mind killer, but now the only thing we fear is this popcorn bucket.
Let’s not mince words: the toothy hellscape looks like a gaping Lovecraftian orifice. Or, more charitably, a certain kind of sex toy. Not that anyone would want to get too close to this thing... Or so you'd think.
The internet did its thing, and the reactions have proven that everyone’s mind went straight to the gutter with this one.
"I just want to eat my popcorn not stick my hand in a monster fleshlight," one user wrote on X.
Another commented: “We’re gonna see this on onlyfans and I’m not excited about it.”
“Lord forgive me for what I’m going to dune 2 this Dune 2 popcorn bucket,” wrote another user, while one brave soul simply went for the order: “Six pumps of butter, hold the popcorn.”
That’s enough of X for today.
Yes, the internet has a dirty mind, but what were the Dune marketing team expecting?
The design, granted, is directly inspired by the film's giant sandworm creatures. However, the questionable practicality and vagina dentata aesthetic was perhaps not ideal.
Should you wish to get your hands on your very own danger bucket, they’ll be available in AMC theatres.
And just to put it into context, this isn’t the first time tie-in merch goes a little wrong. Here are a few (dis)honourable mentions in the strangest, at times misguided (but always funny) Hollywood merchandise fails.
Star Wars: C-3PO tape dispenser
There’s a lot of Star Wars merch out there, but this one is odd to say the least. We have everyone’s favourite protocol droid in a questionable position, dispensing an abundance of sticky tape from his crotch, and looking pretty shocked (or sexually thrilled?) about the whole thing. It was produced by Sigma only for Japan, and there was one that sold for $200 (€185) on eBay in 2014. So, for some, this is the droid they're looking for.
The Little Mermaid: Fish nuggets
Even if Ariel swaps her tail for human legs, we doubt she’d condone the kind of unwater genocide that would lead to this. Her closest friends are a flatfish and crab, for the love of krill! Quite what Disney were thinking when they teamed up with seafood suppliers American Pride Seafood, we’ll never know.
ADVERTISEMENTThe Passion of the Christ: Tasteless jewellery
What do you need to promote an R-rated film leading to the graphic crucifixion of Jesus? Commemorative jewellery, of course! Specifically, a The Passion of the Christ necklace adorned with a nail, with the tagline: “Dying was his reason for living”. Reportedly (and hilariously) very popular with the evangelical community, the merch – by design and existence - misses the point. To get Biblical, the book of Mark does have Jesus say: “Go to the merch stand to buy empty trinkets reminding you of my bloody death on the altar of Hollywood”. Instead, he says: “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.” (Mark 19:21) Food for thought. And to think this article began with Fleshlight...
300: Leather briefs
If you’re watching 300 and think to yourself “Yeah, I could pull that off”, you’re either high or have delusions of grandeur. Still, some gave it a good go with these officially licenced Spartan-style briefs made from genuine leather - complete with a codpiece. Your crown jewels will be protected, but no one can positively vouch about the comfiness, practicality or chafage that derives from the item.
Harry Potter: Vibrating Nimbus 2000
Oh, Mattel, what were you thinking? A replica of the Nimbus 2000 from the Harry Potter franchise is a good idea, but you were playing with fire by making them battery-operated broomsticks with a vibration feature. You can guess why. Case and point: sex shops started stocking the toy. It was pulled from the shelves and replaced with non-vibrating models. Spoil sports.
Transformers: Shaving Kit
Kids do grow up fast, but why would you ask kids aged 3+ to (direct quote from the back of "Play Shave Set" box) “Lather up and have fun with your Transformers shave set”???
Watchmen: Condoms
No glove, no love. So what is so wrong about selling prophylactics as your tie-in product? Well, quite aside from the fact that Zach Snyder’s adaptation of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’ celebrated graphic novel features one of the cringiest sex scenes in cinema history (soundtracked to Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ and complete with a flamethrower mimicking climax), Watchmen isn’t a sexy movie. Sure, one of the film’s taglines was “We’re society’s only protection”. OK, we’ll give the marketing team that for the safe sex parallel. But they made one in a neon blue shade, presumably as an homage to the Dr Manhattan character... Find us anyone getting aroused by a geeky callback to a glowing blue penis, and we’ll consider supplying you with a year’s worth of condoms.
ADVERTISEMENTDune: Part Two hits cinemas on 1 March. Enjoy your popcorn.
