Following my extraordinary clairvoyance in forseeing an exceptional result in the Eurovision Song Contest for Norway, (last place), euronews has asked me to make my predictions for this Euro 2012 football tournament all you humans seem so excited about. Do not believe the false prophesies of Ukraine’s mammalian so-called visionary! He only tells porkies.
Now, in my opinion football does not rival Tongue-spearing or the Long Hop for gripping sport, but I am told it is a big deal for you. So, here are my predictions:
Hosts Poland and Ukraine: The Poles would like to win, but in fact have won already with the lashings of euros Brussels has shovelled their way to upgrade transport links and redecorate sushi bars near the UEFA officials’ hotel.
I can reveal Ukraine will make a surprise last-minute callup for Yulia Tymoshenko, releasing her from jail so she can keep goal, holding her plaits out on either side of her head to catapult shots back where they came from.
Greece: With people still at a loss as to how they won in 2004 the Greeks will look to revive their dark horse act of 8 years ago, only to discover they have nothing left in the referee slush fund. Frankie says: they’re finding it hard to get players on loan nowadays, or indeed anything on loan.
Czech Republic: A proper football side so condemned to an early exit after being stonewalled and kicked to death by the other group A rivals.
Russia: If the real Andrei Arshavin turns up, and not the Arshavin’ a laugh version, then the Russians could do well. Expect fireworks if they get to play Ukraine. Frankie predicts: with the Black Sea fleet in Sevastopol, they will bring on their super-sub.
The Netherlands: If they can stop kicking each other for long enough they will as usual pose a threat. We all look forward to when they play the Germans again. Frankie predicts: a gouda performance.
Denmark: Another choice encounter with Germany in prospect as these close neighbours and best buddies always provide a choice footballing spectacle. Until the whistle blows that is. After that it’s more like a 90-minute cage fight.
Germany: In Group B, finds itself in a group of death, a predicament we can all identify with before falling about laughing. The team won’t play for penalties, but won’t mind if it’s decided from the spot. Frankie’s Favourites.
Portugal: Their “golden generation” was about as rubbish as England’s, and didn’t win anything, either. But Ronaldo is still there, and some fresh young talent means hopes are high. Plus they have the Hulk in their side.
Spain: We are all heartily fed up of the Spanish winning everything. Next thing you know they’ll be coming over here and buying our airports and our banks…er…
Italy: With Mario Balotelli in the squad I expect a string of bizarre and possibly libellous incidents from day one, possibly involving fireworks or farmyard animals, a fast car, and a betting magnate from Cagliari with a large brown envelope.
Ireland: You know Ireland, just in it for the laugh and the post-match boozing. With that attitude, they should win it, but they won’t.
Croatia: On their day one of the slickest, fastest-passing outfits around, but increasingly that day seems to have happened circa 2008, never-to-be-repeated.
Eng-er-land: Top players injured before the tournament? Don’t be fooled footie fiends. Frankie says this is simply to give TV pundits something to talk about when the Three Lions get their manes pulled by anyone who can put one foot in front of another. Frankie’s prediction: at least another 30 years of hurt.
Sweden: The Swedes will do what they always do; ruin other’s chances without any hope of going the distance themselves. May be looking to flog some Saabs while they’re abroad as they’ll be collector’s items soon.
France: World Cup winner Laurent Blanc, wary of the militant player’s union that derailed France in South Africa, has imposed discipline and got results. Now all underage tarts admitted to players’ hotel rooms have to sign disclaimers. Ribéry has been dropped for being so butt-ugly, Benzema for being such a greedy t**t.