Eurovision: Frankie Says Norway

*The first in an occasional series from euronews’ own forecasting frog. Forget Paul the Octopus, or the latest psychic animal, Ukraine’s pig, so powerful it seems an ordinary name isn’t enough and who is simply called ‘vishchun’, or ‘visionary’.
euronews has Frankie, whose amphibian versatility will allow him to pontificate on a whole range of issues, when he’s not in a trance.*

So, to the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest, and Frankie’s predictions, thoughts, and downright rude comments about some of the contestants. This is not an exhaustive analysis of the chances of each of the 26 candidates, simply a pot-luck selection.

Take it away, Frankie!

“Greetings humans. Having not seen a Eurovision contest since I was a tadpole, I was new to the concept of semi-finals spread over two nights, and their 36-song marathon. As I have more important things to do like chase grubs I was instantly dismissive of some, and could see nothing in the waters to indicate the chances of others. Here are my 2012 Song contest predictions, in no particular order:

LITHUANIA “Love is Blind” – And the judges are deaf.

CYPRUS – Frankie predicts great things for singer Ivi Amadou, and as she is a vigorous dancer, can only hope for a wardrobe malfunction when it’s showtime.

ROMANIA – In their video Mandinga’s singer finds herself teleported from a sweaty disco onto the streets of Dubai, as if by magic. She’ll get arrested dressed like that! See above for her live performance come Saturday. Top tune, should do well.

RUSSIA – These are old ladies, practised in the arts of divination and tea-leaf reading, with skills I can only dream of. I mean, some of them may have helped defend Stalingrad. You don’t mess with them.

MOLDOVA – Singer scores a massive FAIL for those shorts.

ESTONIA – ‘Kuuuuuula’, strong voice, grannies will love him, so he should stay away from the Russian table.

GREECE – The Greeks would love it if you voted for them, but would they love the hassle and expense of hosting the thing next year.

SWEDEN – Sweden’s entry has been compared to Kate Bush. That is if Kate was found walking down Malmesbury high street in a gale in her dressing gown. And our dear Kate never needed lashings of echo on her voice.

TURKEY – The band have brought their own boat with them; just as well as the song sinks without trace.

MALTA – Just like SAW never retired. I shall be writing to Her Majesty to request the George Cross be rescinded.

BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA – Some boring bird on a piano.

MACEDONIA – Another boring bird on a piano.

UKRAINE – Not a boring bird at all. In fact, there’s an awful lot of Gaitana to like. Has a big Congo fanbase. Not a euphemism.

And finally, Frankie the Forecasting Frog’s tip for Eurovision glory?

NORWAY – The problem being the Norwegians are so ***tard rich everyone’s jealous of them, and so may not vote for them, as they already have far too much oil and gas. Now they also have Tooji Keshtkar, who appears to know what a proper pop song is, and win or not, has a decent career to look forward to. Now, if we could just ask Dangermouse or some other producer to beef up the sound… Expect to hear this one on a radio or in a bar all summer long…

Honourable mention should be extended to the jury for sparing us the agony of having to sit through SLOVAKIA’s truly dreadful MOR rock again, although the ladies may be upset as the lead singer took his shirt off for the judging. However the jury somehow was deaf to the charms of GEORGIA’s gloriously over-the-top entry, ISRAEL’s almost alternative-pop attempt, AUSTRIA’s charmingly-named Trackshittaz,MONTENEGRO’s Rambo Amadeus, which sounds like a particularly lethal cocktail, and a very good try from BULGARIA. Shame on you, jurists, and for letting Jedward through as well for Ireland.

The very last word must go to those six nations who didn’t need to qualify.AZERBAIJAN, who as last year’s winners automatically go through, and BRITAIN,FRANCE, ITALY, SPAIN, and GERMANY.
They cop free passes regardless of whether their songs are rubbish or not because they pay the lion’s share for the competition through their EBU contributions. Money talks, bullfrog walks.

Also read: Eurovision: the great voting conspiracy

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